We Need To Once Again Embrace the Objectively Good Season, Spring
Fall people: you are wrong. You have been loudly, embarrassingly wrong for a long time, and everyone has been letting you get away with it. No more. Today it stops. Fall, as a season, sucks, and it’s high time someone said it. There is exactly one “good” season that sane people enjoy, and it is Spring, because of fucking course it is.
Let me say this again: Fall sucks. Fall is literally the world dying. It is a dreadful, dreary span of time defined by cold, soggy ground, covered with dead leaves which must be raked up and bagged (weird how you never hear anybody lauding the inevitable Fall yardwork, which I can only assume they hire a Mexican to do for them, who asks for ten dollars which they then haggle down to seven). The weather is shit. A good day in Fall is one in which it doesn’t rain and the wind doesn’t blow, which are the two defining characteristics of Fall weather. Fall people don’t even like the Fall!
The food is shit, too. The only plants that grow in the fall are maniac strains that decided for some deranged eldritch reason they actually preferred less sunlight. Fall food largely consists of figuring out more and more exploitative methods for maximizing the already tenuous value of gourds. This is why “pumpkin spice” is everywhere, and also why almost none of it contains any pumpkin whatsoever. Spaghetti squash is not a meal, it is an apology.
Hey, you know what else comes with bad nutrition and bad weather? Disease! It’s flu season, motherfuckers! Enjoy your pneumonia and bronchitis, consigned to an unchanged bed for weeks on end like a character in a Dickens novel. Enjoy bundling up in enough cloth to make a small tent to compensate for your immune system’s inability to adapt to the cold, which you are forcibly exposing it to, like a dipshit. “Oh look at me, I’m wearing three layers of jackets and carrying a cocoa cozy wherever I go. I am a mature adult who makes good decisions and should be taken seriously.” Fuck out of here with all that.
Don’t even get me started about the Halloween people, the foulest subset of Fall people, who start crowing about their dumb cursed freak prom sometime around Independence Day, and are also the first people to complain when the radio stations start playing Christmas songs in November. You are all the biggest fucking hypocrites on Earth and I hope all your candy is poisoned. (Fun fact: it already is because it is candy. Enjoy diabetes, idiots!)
Fall is, in fairness, not the worst season (Winter, which actively tries to kill you, and Summer, which actively tries to kill you in an entirely opposite manner, are both worse), but it is by no means a good season and it is certainly not the best season. The season you are looking for there is Spring. Spring fucking rules. Why the fuck wouldn’t you like Spring? The temperature is perfect for maximum human comfort levels. You can wear whatever the fuck you want, and it’s neither too hot for long sleeves nor too cold for shorts. Everything is growing, not dying, and foods are plentiful and delicious. And sure, there’s ragweed, but I never said Spring was perfect.
“But the holidays all suck in Spring.” Yes, because Spring doesn’t need holidays. It’s already great and a constant celebration of life. You don’t have Christmas and Valentine’s Day in the Winter because you’re doing okay. You have them because presents and casual sex stave off the seasonal depression. Notice how you never hear about a rash of Spring suicides.
“Well if Spring is so great then why don’t Spring people crow about it like Fall people do.” First of all, read a goddamn book. There are entire fucking fields of literature dedicated to how amazing Spring is, stretching back to when Chaucer wrote “Whan that Aprille with his shoures soote.” There’s literally a whole ass literary genre called the pastoral about this shit.
And second, you’re right! Nobody crows about Spring because, as with holidays, nobody needs to. Spring is self-evidently good. Would you say something like “breathing oxygen is good” or “I love not being in pain?” No, you would not, because those are the statements of a lunatic. This is also why people don’t gush over Spring. There is simply no need to make a big deal about it. You don’t have to dress up like a fucking begonia and scream into a bullhorn about how awesome spring is to every passerby. They already know.
And you do, too, Fall people. In your hearts, you know I’m right. You know Spring is good. And you know Fall sucks.
